you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
