the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
