I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
