Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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