My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize