Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize