I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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