Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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