Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
