good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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