By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
