ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
