Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize