I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
