i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
