Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
