I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
