The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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