I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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