i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
