i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
