the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
