i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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