What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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