apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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