there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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