Do you still have your period?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
