I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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