how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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