I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
