we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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