this beer tastes like vomit already
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Randomize
