Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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