he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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