shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
