The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
