I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
