If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
