so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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