Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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