I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
