So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
