I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
