i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
