also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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