apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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