oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
