This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize