please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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