Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
