Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
