Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
