i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
