I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
