Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
