Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
